Who Knows

Have you ever wondered why people do the things they do and act the way they do around others?

I know in my situation I have really started to realize whats triggers my behavior in certain environments. We went to one of our very good friends birthday parties on Saturday and I think for the very first time I really allowed myself to have fun. I’m not really sure if it was because not all of the usual stuck up chicks weren’t there or if I finally stepped out of my shell for the first time in I couldn’t tell you how long. I am a very easy going, fun, and comical type of person. I engaged in conversation with people I’ve met and seen several times just never took the time to actually talk with them. It felt good to feel comfortable and just be myself. I even made a new friend!

Having friends is really hard for me, not because I’m not easy to get along with its just because I’m not from here and most of the ones I do have here live an hr away. Even my new one is a good 45 min. To me thats totally fine but my husband doesn’t always want me to drive far just to hang out. I am very shy but very easy to talk to. All it takes is a hello.

Anyway, its amazing to me how I allow myself to be uncomfortable because of my insecurities. It makes life in general so incredibly hard. I hate so much about myself its ridiculous. I have been trying so hard lately to love myself more and be myself. But oh my god it is so hard. Its so frustrating. I know that its hard on my husband too. He gets along with everyone and the women of course flock to him because hes just one of those guys thats easy to talk to when your not married to him lol.

I wish I could just snap m fingers and make myself better emotionally more than anything else in the world but I know its not that easy. So how do you keep that good feeling? How can you go to bed one night feeling like your on top of the world and the next morning your back to your old gloomy self? God I make myself sound so bad dont I? I’m really not. I usually keep all these feelings and thoughts to myself, hence this blog.

Just Once

I think we all have that time in our lives when we just want to feel special or feel anything other than sadness all the time. It is so exhausting always being the one who always seems to have the emotional issues or being precieved as someone who is always being pissy when your really not meaning it that way at all. Noone ever understands. Just thinks your an ass, and once they’ve decided your one thats all they see. Its so frustrating. Do people ever stop to think oh wait is it my fault that they act the way they do ever now and then? Noone can ever take responsibility it seems like. I understand that it can be very difficult for the other person at times but still maybe just once that other person or even people could just be nice and treat me like i’m the freakin enemy.

I dont know maybe this has just been a really rough few months for me more than usual. I know the past few days have really sucked. I think it could be partly because I feel like I look like a monster. I got this huge stye lastnight and it still hasn’t gone away. So no makeup or anything. How does one build this amazing self confidence when they dont have any around them thats geared towards them? Its hard to be confident when you aren’t made to feel special or even beautiful just being you. Maybe these feelings are all in my head. Yes I realize that I am responsible for my own happiness and I cant rely on anyone else to even help me to feel better. Its just alittle hard for me sometimes since most of the ones in my life look to me to raise their spirits and their confidence. Most also look to me for advice which I have always been great with. I guess I know how to help people with their problems or issues but never taught myself how to take my own advice.

Just Another Day

So this whole situation with my husbands family has really got me bothered. I don’t know why. I really thought that I would be able to fix the situation with an apology but instead it was blown way out of context and every word I had to say was used against me. I don’t understand how someone can twist every single word in such a hurtful and cruel way. But I am trying to just get passed it, and dismiss the situation. I know that if I don’t then I will drive myself absolutely crazy trying to fix something with such an irrational person. I have been trying for such a long time to slowly cut all of the toxic people from my life. The reason for that is because I my self am very negative and I feel the only way I will ever get better is if I keep people like that away from me and my family.

Anyway on a happier note my boss asked me to take care of the ranch for a week while her and her husband are on a fishing tournament. Nothing makes me happier than doing something that I love and get paid good money to do it. Just the fact that they welcomed me into their lives with open arms and trust me as much as they do really lifts me up. My husbands cousin came to stay with us this week to investigate teaching jobs here so she can move here after the school year is over. I am so happy and excited for her to be here. My husband and I don’t have any close family or friends or at least ones that are close so we really have to rely on each other for love and support. It gets really hard sometimes but we only become closer and closer as time passes.

Craziness just keeps going

Ok so if you havent read my last blog ANGER please do because this wont make sense if you don’t.

Alright so we left their house yesterday afternoon and we were all fine enjoying each others company except my mother in-law. She literally refused to talk to me at all. She would talk to my husband and son but not me. I am the type of person who can admit when I am wrong. I always do, in this case i didnt do a single thing wrong except try and defend myself. I also am the type of person who has to fix things when they are broken even if it isn’t my fault.

Now I decided that since she decided to act like a child it was up to me to be an adult and make the first move to resolving it since she wouldn’t talk to me face to face I wrote her a very heart felt email. I apologized like crazy but stood my ground in the most respectful way possible. She came back at me and my husband both with the most ugly and hurtful things I’ve ever read. Plus she twisted every single thing I said, and said that me and my husband were liars and all sorts of non sense. She is mentally ill but she really crossed the line and went way to far. She was writing saying that our son will grow up to be a horrible person because of us and that she will never be able to be alone with him because she wont be able to handle him. Please keep in mind that my husband and I are very big on respect and manners and things like that so we keep him in line. He is not hard to handle at all. Hes 3 so hes always happy and smiling and always so loving. She always says that we always push him on her like hey go give nana a hug or go sit with nana. We only do that because he has never liked her EVER. He goes to complete strangers with open arms which is sweet but dangerous so we are trying to get him to understand that that isn’t ok. But anyway she rambled on for a really long time just putting us both down and saying hateful things. It went on for hrs. My husband told her to please stop writing and not to txt or call until she gets better. Well apparently she didnt like that because then she started threatening him and being horrible. Its crazy how ballzy people get when your hrs away. We tried calling her and she would pick up then hang up immediately. I truly do not understand what the hell her problem is, all i know is that over the past few years I have had to take alot of toxic people out of my life and now I’m stuck with the craziest one of them all. So my husband called his dad and asked him to tell her to stop attacking us, we havent heard anything sense so I hope it stays that way. I am a very forgiving person but when someone tells me im a bad parent and I will but very unsuccessful in raising him, that is just something I can’t come back from. No parent is perfect but we both are very loving and caring and only want whats best for him and his future.

All I tried to do was resolve the issue and let her know I care. I have never encountered anyone so evil and mean. I knew it was coming, but this is just ridiculous and so incredibly sad.

ANGER

I will start off with saying that I’m so infuriated and hurt right now idk what to think or do. I’v never had anyone make me so angry and upset as quickly as she did.

Ok so my husband, son, and I came to his dad and step mothers house to visit my husbands uncle while he was in town. It was supposed to be this absolutely awsome weekend. Every time we come it usually isn’t. I’m always stressing out because they have a big beautiful house with very expensive things so having a 3 yr old running around touching everything is very nerve racking. But apparently I’m a shitty parent because its not my house or my job to correct him when he is misbehaving. Last time I checked just because you are somewhere else doesn’t mean your no longer a parent for a brief time.

I will admit that my husband and I do hover alot but we’ve also been through alot with him. So we are very cautious and protective. We are trying not to be but its really hard not to worry in a giant 2 story house that has a pool that isn’t fenced in. We don’t really hover at home its just at other places.

My husbands step mother has the same mental issues that I do but hers are more severe than mine. So shes yells and I mean yells at everyone. Over the past 5 yrs I’ve gotten used to it but today was the last straw. I try and let her play with my son and bond as much as possible but we literally are not allowed to say a word to him at all. And if we do then we are ruining their relationship. I’m sry but we still have rules that apply everywhere. I don’t think that certain things should change just because we are some where else.

So she has jumped all over me today, and this afternoon she sat me and my husband down to talk about how we are runing their relationship because we try and correct him. Thats not what we were trying to do at all. And I’m sry that we made her feel that way but when someone comes at me screaming and then starts cussing us out I have a huge fucking problem with that. I of course got defensive and she asked for m to wait till she was done so I did, well when we tried to talk to her she stormed out of the room and hid in her bedroom all afternoon, I tried to talk to her after words and she just turned around and hid again. I’m sry but I’m not gonna chase a 50+ yr old women around the house to resolve the issue. So hrs later she finally comes out and everything was good we were sitting there and she had my son and they were eating strawberries together. Well she left the fucking knife right in front of him and got on her phone and so he picked it up trying to take the top off the strawberry. So I got my husbands attention immediately and what do you know she gets up and storms off again!! Well this time my husband went and talked to her for almost 2 hrs and worked their shit out but I am fucking done. Everytime I turn around she is ¬†always talking about how much better the other moms in the family are and making me feel like me and my husband are just pieces of shit. Mind you we are doing the best out of everyone.

Idk maybe I’m the one out of line but I’m just done, I don’t think I will be coming back anytime soon. She made me so mad and upset all at once my whole body was shacking uncontrollably. I know I’ll get over like I always do but Idk if I can handle going somewhere where I have to be afraid to talk or touch my own son. It just doesn’t seem right. And the funny thing is , is that she says they dont have a relationship with him but they never come see us we always have to come here and its usually so my husband can do work for them or whatever. They weren’t there when he was born, ( I was induced) so its not like it was sudden. They weren’t there for either of his MAJOR surgeries never a birthday or anything, so you say you want to spend time with your grandkid then make a fucking point to be there every now and then!