Failure

I’ve always heard that the biggest failure is not attempting at all. I have tried and failed at so many things I can’t even keep count. I am coming to realize that I keep doing this to myself on a constant basis. Weight loss, education, religion, and relationships.

My biggest down fall right now has got to be getting into shape and getting my GED. I have started and stopped both of these so many times it is ridiculous. Monday was my first day trying to get back into my workout routine. I swear I wish I had someone to shake the crap out of me and say “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING”! I have zero self confidence because of my weight. I need to lose at least 30 lbs. I know I can do it but I think my main issue is my diet. I dont really diet only because I know for a fact that I will fail. I am very choosy of my choices though. My husband doesnt like to eat healthy really so when I do the grocery shopping I always try and buy things that are healthy bt still taste great. Im actually pretty good at doing this but then theres the little sweet snacks that I get for all of us. Those are my weakness. I’m the type that if I dont have it I wont eat it but if its in the house I will. Its like I tell myself the quicker I make them disappear the faster I can get on track. SOOOO pathetic right! Recently I’ve done a lot of research on sugar and its addiction. I definitely have a sugar addiction. The funny part is is that I dont hardly eat anything with sugar. If I do its always something small, but that’s the thing sugar is just so incredibly bad for you whether your trying to lose weight or not. I wish I could find something that I could eat to make my brain believe that i’m satisfying my sugar craving without actually eating sugar.

I know a lot of people sit and say, ” oh just have a piece of fruit”, well I’ve tried that so many times but it doesnt help one bit. I do not like artificial sweeteners and will not use them. They are just as bad if not worse for you. I absolutely love fresh fruits and veggies but they still dont take care of that sugar craving. Its actually kind of embarrassing  to admit that I have a sugar addiction but its the truth. It could be worse I guess but, I still dont like that something has a hold over me like this. Everytime I start to do good and eat really healthy no junk what so ever, I fail miserably. Weekends are extremely hard for me especially since my husband is home and he usually goes out to get us all lunch. I try not to tell him when I’ve started over one because when I fail I dont want him to know and two because he makes it very hard for me to stay on track. Yes I know its not his job to make sure that I do but some help would be nice.

I’m sure most of you will say that I just lack determination, and self control which is true to an extent. I can’t blame anyone but myself for my failures. Its up to me to push through and move forward in the right direction. I really wish that I had a nutritionist or someone to lay this stuff out in layman’s terms so I know exactly what I can and cannot eat. I know healthy eating is 80% of weight loss but when you dont know exactly what truly is healthy and what isnt its like a never ending roller coaster. Just wish this process could be somewhat easier so maybe just once I dont fail and I can actually start to get real results!

Moods

So I will start out with mood swings are a total pain in the ass!

Unfortunately my moods seem to affect everyone around me no matter how hard I try not to let it effect anyone else. One moment i’m good and happy and even cheerful, the next I just wanna punch someone in the face,(I would never do that). I’ve been having a really hard time the past few days and of course I have no idea what causes it.

Could it be, being a stay at home mom, with an extremely hyper and stubborn boy?? Yes I know alot of other stay at home moms have it much harder than I do but regardless of how many kids you have being a stay at home mom is difficult sometimes. I am blessed to be with my little man but I NEVER get a break. He has just been so incredibly difficult, argumentative and down right disrespectful which is simply not allowed period. Its funny because he is such a sweet heart most of the time. He just really likes to push me and see how far he can go.

I know that as the adult it is my job to control my own mood and I shouldnt allow a 3 yr ld to get to me but you show me any mom who hasnt been pushed alittle too far one to many times and I’d like to congratulate her, shes a much better mother than myself. Please dont get me wrong my son is my world but sometimes everyday things can be such a struggle.

So could be that my moods are always fluctuating because I allow my little one to get to many when I just need to step back and take a breath? It makes me feel awful because my husband is usually the one who gets the brunt of these mood swings. He doesnt understand at all, but as I always say, “you arent with him 24/7”, Its not right for me to say that since he works so incredibly hard everyday to provide for us. I think eventually he might get upset;)

So how do I keep that happy place? How do I keep a 3 yr old from bringing down? Questions that seem so ridiculous but the truth is, is that its a reality. When I feel this way I distance myself from everyone! Only because I dont want my loved ones to get caught in the cross fire on accident.

Food for thought

It has occurred to me recently that so many people put others up on a pedestal. I don’t think that people realize the damage that can do. If you really think about it its absolutely ridiculous, the reason I say this is because it is litteraly impossible for people to be perfect and always living up to your standards. There is no such thing as a perfect wife, mother, husband, child, etc. Nothing in this world is perfect!

When you put someone up on that pedestal they will eventually fail. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but they will fail in some way big or small. Its just the way of life. That doesn’t mean that person is a failure it just means that they are human. But when they do fail depending on the severity it can ruin the relationship all together, no matter what type of relationship it is. Because in your eyes they are no longer worthy or whatever.

Sometimes it is just better to mind your own business and stop dictating to others how or what they should be doing in their lives. Especially if you didnt do to well with your own life. I know for myself I dont mind getting advice but don’t you dare sit there and get pissed at me because I don’t take your advice or your advice didn’t work. That does happen you know. Not everything that works for you will work for others.

Its really funny to me how people can be generally bad people and have the audacity to belittle or bad mouth those who are actually doing quite well and are for the most part happy. I dont know I guess they are so miserable with their own lives they have to try and pick the good ones apart little by little until there is nothing left, or the hatred between the two is unmistakable.

So why do that to yourself or others? Why not just accept that things are the way they are. There is nothing wrong with trying to help people but don’t be ugly to them if they take their own route. Thats how we all learn!

Who Knows

Have you ever wondered why people do the things they do and act the way they do around others?

I know in my situation I have really started to realize whats triggers my behavior in certain environments. We went to one of our very good friends birthday parties on Saturday and I think for the very first time I really allowed myself to have fun. I’m not really sure if it was because not all of the usual stuck up chicks weren’t there or if I finally stepped out of my shell for the first time in I couldn’t tell you how long. I am a very easy going, fun, and comical type of person. I engaged in conversation with people I’ve met and seen several times just never took the time to actually talk with them. It felt good to feel comfortable and just be myself. I even made a new friend!

Having friends is really hard for me, not because I’m not easy to get along with its just because I’m not from here and most of the ones I do have here live an hr away. Even my new one is a good 45 min. To me thats totally fine but my husband doesn’t always want me to drive far just to hang out. I am very shy but very easy to talk to. All it takes is a hello.

Anyway, its amazing to me how I allow myself to be uncomfortable because of my insecurities. It makes life in general so incredibly hard. I hate so much about myself its ridiculous. I have been trying so hard lately to love myself more and be myself. But oh my god it is so hard. Its so frustrating. I know that its hard on my husband too. He gets along with everyone and the women of course flock to him because hes just one of those guys thats easy to talk to when your not married to him lol.

I wish I could just snap m fingers and make myself better emotionally more than anything else in the world but I know its not that easy. So how do you keep that good feeling? How can you go to bed one night feeling like your on top of the world and the next morning your back to your old gloomy self? God I make myself sound so bad dont I? I’m really not. I usually keep all these feelings and thoughts to myself, hence this blog.

A new beginning

So today is kind of an exciting day. My grandparents very graciously helped us get a loan to buy our house. We close on it today. They were nice enough to get the loan for us so we can get our credit to a point so we can get a va loan in the future. No they are not paying for it we are responsible for all expenses involved. With that being said we are so incredibly blesses to have such wonderful grandparents who are willing to do such a thing for us. We’ve been living here over a yr already, but now we will be able to make this house our own!

Stress

Stress is such an awful thing. A lot of times when I talk to anyone about stress they always say that everyone handles stress in different ways, some better than others. In my eyes thats saying that i’m weak and not strong. I know thats not what they mean but thats how I take it for some reason.

I’ve always thought of myself as an extremely tough person. I mean I’ve been through some pretty serious shit. But now that I’m getting older and what not I’m starting to think that maybe I’m not as strong as I thought I was. Maybe I am weak. I don’t know. My emotions are always on such high alert all the damn time. No I don’t freak out and cry all the time. I mainly just get irritated or mad. I always wondered why I’m so angry all the time and I’m starting to think its because I don’t handle stress well. Like most peoples lives these days, the shits always hitting the fan. Just when things are going great something ALWAYS happens. A friend of mine is one of those people who are ALWAYS happy and bubbly. I have always wanted to be one of those bubbly people but I honestly can’t. I’ve tried so many times. I’m extremely sweet and loving most of the time but I’m never bubbly.

So does this mean that I am weak? I really hope not. I’ve never wanted to be considered weak. So how do I go about keeping my stress level down so i’m not always in such a pissy mood or depressed?  I have so may things to be great full for. And I am but being grateful and focusing on the great things in life never works for me. Why is that? What the hell is wrong with me and how do I fix it?

Friendship

We all have at least one friend who we’ve known for a long time and no matter what the friendship never dies. Distance never seems to dampen the relationship.

My best friend and I haven’t seen each other in two yrs but we are still the best of friends. We have been there for each other through so many awful times. More on my side, but no matter the distance we have always been there for one another in one way or another. We have been friends since elementary school and I have only had one argument. Her and I’s relationship proves to me that relationships will always last if it’s true.

I guess what brought me to this particular topic is one of my husbands friends came to visit over this weekend from Louisiana. They haven’t seen each other in a couple yrs but you can tell that their bond hasn’t faded either. It’s such a wonderful thing to see old friends reminisce about the old days. Talk about the crazy things they would do and just catch up in general. Having the right friends around you can make all the difference.

When you find something that is true and pretty much unbreakable, you need to hold on to it, because you may never find it again. True relationships of any kind are incredibly hard to find.