Moving Forward

So I have struggled with what kind of career I want to have for a really long time. I really wanted to deal with animals especially equestrian science but thats 8 yrs of college and that just wont happen so; I had thought about cosmetology since im very good with makeup and what not but its just not what I want to do. Recently I looked into laser hair removal tech here in Texas and that is something I could definitely manage. But heres the catch, I mentioned it to my husband and he is not a fan of the idea. He really just doesnt want me to work period. Its sweet but yeah….our son starts pre-k in Sept and I really feel like I need to do more than just a house wife. Granted my house is always spotless and everyone is always taken care of but I’ve always worked since I was a kid.

When I mentioned it to him he asked me about men having the procedure done and I explained that yes men do it too of course but its rare. I figure it would mainly be on their backs and things like that. I think hes genuinely concerned about that private area. Kinda makes me laugh but I understand where hes coming from. So I flat out asked him if he just didnt want me to do it ¬†and his answer made me feel so good. Hes not a lovey dovey kind of guy so…..He said “I want to keep you to myself, your mine”. Its kind of funny really since hes a total chick magnet, i’m the less attractive one of the two of us. He acts like I’m kind of replaceable I guess you could say. I know thats not his intention but thats the impression I get. I think theres some logic in his mind behind it, but it drives me nuts.

I guess I’m just worried about our future more than anything. He is sick and i’m afraid once he gets alittle older he wont be able to work and everything will fall on me, and I wont be prepared. Granted he gets his disability for life but that may not be enough. I’ll be 27 this year ūüė¶ and for me I dont want to wait till i’m older to start a career. I honestly don’t know what to do or think. I am content with our situation as it is. But I’d like to buy myself something without feeling guilty, which is my own doing not his. Or be able to get him a surprise without it being bought technically with his money.

I don’t know , its a sticky one.

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Double Standard

How many of us/you have been or are in a relationship where there was a double standard?

This is something that I feel very strongly about. I absolutely hate the double standard. To me if you do not want your significant other to do something like go to the bar, dancing, or anything else where the potential of get hit on is high then they shouldn’t think its ok for them to do it.

Some may think its just being controlling but its not. I guess what brought this topic on is my husband is going to a bachelor party this weekend and you know they will do the usual guy stuff, bar , strip club…. He can’t drink because of his meds so things like that aren’t very fun. Just sitting watching his friends get wasted. He was honest with me about their agenda which I really appreciate since hes extremely private and makes me alittle suspicious sometimes. He doesn’t mean to its just the way he is. I am extremely insecure but I rarely question him and never look through is phone or personal accounts. ¬†Anyway so when he told me about the bar I asked if I could go to the bar with my friends when they go and he just gave me a little smerk and said no you can’t go without me. So yeah I hope that when this Sat. comes he will make the right call and respect my wishes like I do his. They have quite a few things planned other than that stuff so I know he will have fun and he definitely deserves it!

I dont know why this is a really big deal for me but it is. I guess in my eyes its a sign of disrespect and just flat out not caring. We may have a marriage thats kind of different but its what works for us. We dont nag at eachother but we do have an understanding and I guess in some ways it helps keep me on level ground. Don’t get me wrong I really do enjoy going out and having a good time but i would never want to put myself in a potential bad situation or ever make him need to question my loyalty.

Sometimes it only takes one touch

Anyone who is married may or may know what it is like to be married to someone who is emotionally distant. I myself definitely know what it feels like.

I know my husband loves me more than anything but I do get worried all the time that his feeling for me are drifting further and further away. This is not the case but still.

There are always ways to show your spouse some level of intimacy without it being sexual. Being wanted all the time in a sexual way is great but, that kind of attention is not always welcome in one way or another. If you’ve read other posts on my blog i’m sure that it is apparent that I have emotional issues. Truth be told i’m bipolar supposedly (I dont really believe it), with severe depression and boarder line personality disorder. I know I sound like one crazy chick. But I’m really not. I just get really sad sometimes is all.

Anyway, that being said. Love and affection can be shown in so many different ways. If your with someone who is what I like to call emotionally needy it doesn’t take much to satisfy their emotional needs. In my case, just holding my hand or letting me lay on your shoulder is enough for me. I want to feel that strength and love through your arms as they wrap around me. But for some people who want that same kind of attention, it can be one of those constant giving and not receiving kind of situations. It doesn’t take much to just take a min or two to just hug your loved one and tell them how much you love them. I’m a true believer that actions speak louder than words. You can tell me a million times that you love me but if that emotional connection isn’t there, then I wont believe you.

So to get the satisfaction that I need I take it upon my self to get the love and attention that I want from my husband. Hes stuck in his ways so talking about what I want does nothing. If we go out I hold his hand, if we’re watching t.v. every once in awhile i’ll lean or lay on him. Sometimes it can make all the difference in the world.

Jealousy is a poison

I don’t know how most people are in their relationships, but I know that if there isn’t trust on both parts, the relationship will probably end eventually.But lets look at jealousy in a different way for a moment. What causes men and women to be jealous in the first place? Could it be that they weren’t loved enough as a child or their significant other doesn’t show them enough love and affection? Or maybe its just extremely low self esteem?

Everyone is different, so please no judgement. I myself have a jealous side. I try not to but when you’ve been shoved aside¬†literately your entire life it becomes a real problem.¬†¬†I just want to feel like I’m the most important, special part of someones life other than my son’s. I know deep down my husband loves me very much, and its a blessing to have such a wonderful man by my side. But he is not really an open book, kinda secretive without even realizing thats how it looks from another persons perspective. Little things here and there really seem to raise a red flag in my mind. But that’s just it its all in my head.

So how can I fight these inner demons and not allow these horrible thoughts and worries affect my marriage? I had a really terrible child hood and all of my previous relationships were just awful but that’s a subject for another day. I do have extremely low self-esteem. So when I see a beautiful girl in public or on t.v. I instantly feel about an inch tall. I don’t really know how to be confident, and love myself. My husband could have done so much better than me and I know that. But I am¬†grateful¬†he chose to be with me. I also know that it doesn’t matter how amazing a person is or how beautiful they are anyone can be cheated on.

So with that being said, how can I pull myself out of this jealousy aspect of my personality? How can I stop dwelling on the possibilities of what could be going on? I’d say that about 80% of my issues are all in my head.

I am at a total lose how can I change my out look on things and stop dwelling on things that aren’t even happening?!