Failure

I’ve always heard that the biggest failure is not attempting at all. I have tried and failed at so many things I can’t even keep count. I am coming to realize that I keep doing this to myself on a constant basis. Weight loss, education, religion, and relationships.

My biggest down fall right now has got to be getting into shape and getting my GED. I have started and stopped both of these so many times it is ridiculous. Monday was my first day trying to get back into my workout routine. I swear I wish I had someone to shake the crap out of me and say “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING”! I have zero self confidence because of my weight. I need to lose at least 30 lbs. I know I can do it but I think my main issue is my diet. I dont really diet only because I know for a fact that I will fail. I am very choosy of my choices though. My husband doesnt like to eat healthy really so when I do the grocery shopping I always try and buy things that are healthy bt still taste great. Im actually pretty good at doing this but then theres the little sweet snacks that I get for all of us. Those are my weakness. I’m the type that if I dont have it I wont eat it but if its in the house I will. Its like I tell myself the quicker I make them disappear the faster I can get on track. SOOOO pathetic right! Recently I’ve done a lot of research on sugar and its addiction. I definitely have a sugar addiction. The funny part is is that I dont hardly eat anything with sugar. If I do its always something small, but that’s the thing sugar is just so incredibly bad for you whether your trying to lose weight or not. I wish I could find something that I could eat to make my brain believe that i’m satisfying my sugar craving without actually eating sugar.

I know a lot of people sit and say, ” oh just have a piece of fruit”, well I’ve tried that so many times but it doesnt help one bit. I do not like artificial sweeteners and will not use them. They are just as bad if not worse for you. I absolutely love fresh fruits and veggies but they still dont take care of that sugar craving. Its actually kind of embarrassing  to admit that I have a sugar addiction but its the truth. It could be worse I guess but, I still dont like that something has a hold over me like this. Everytime I start to do good and eat really healthy no junk what so ever, I fail miserably. Weekends are extremely hard for me especially since my husband is home and he usually goes out to get us all lunch. I try not to tell him when I’ve started over one because when I fail I dont want him to know and two because he makes it very hard for me to stay on track. Yes I know its not his job to make sure that I do but some help would be nice.

I’m sure most of you will say that I just lack determination, and self control which is true to an extent. I can’t blame anyone but myself for my failures. Its up to me to push through and move forward in the right direction. I really wish that I had a nutritionist or someone to lay this stuff out in layman’s terms so I know exactly what I can and cannot eat. I know healthy eating is 80% of weight loss but when you dont know exactly what truly is healthy and what isnt its like a never ending roller coaster. Just wish this process could be somewhat easier so maybe just once I dont fail and I can actually start to get real results!

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Moods

So I will start out with mood swings are a total pain in the ass!

Unfortunately my moods seem to affect everyone around me no matter how hard I try not to let it effect anyone else. One moment i’m good and happy and even cheerful, the next I just wanna punch someone in the face,(I would never do that). I’ve been having a really hard time the past few days and of course I have no idea what causes it.

Could it be, being a stay at home mom, with an extremely hyper and stubborn boy?? Yes I know alot of other stay at home moms have it much harder than I do but regardless of how many kids you have being a stay at home mom is difficult sometimes. I am blessed to be with my little man but I NEVER get a break. He has just been so incredibly difficult, argumentative and down right disrespectful which is simply not allowed period. Its funny because he is such a sweet heart most of the time. He just really likes to push me and see how far he can go.

I know that as the adult it is my job to control my own mood and I shouldnt allow a 3 yr ld to get to me but you show me any mom who hasnt been pushed alittle too far one to many times and I’d like to congratulate her, shes a much better mother than myself. Please dont get me wrong my son is my world but sometimes everyday things can be such a struggle.

So could be that my moods are always fluctuating because I allow my little one to get to many when I just need to step back and take a breath? It makes me feel awful because my husband is usually the one who gets the brunt of these mood swings. He doesnt understand at all, but as I always say, “you arent with him 24/7”, Its not right for me to say that since he works so incredibly hard everyday to provide for us. I think eventually he might get upset;)

So how do I keep that happy place? How do I keep a 3 yr old from bringing down? Questions that seem so ridiculous but the truth is, is that its a reality. When I feel this way I distance myself from everyone! Only because I dont want my loved ones to get caught in the cross fire on accident.

Food for thought

It has occurred to me recently that so many people put others up on a pedestal. I don’t think that people realize the damage that can do. If you really think about it its absolutely ridiculous, the reason I say this is because it is litteraly impossible for people to be perfect and always living up to your standards. There is no such thing as a perfect wife, mother, husband, child, etc. Nothing in this world is perfect!

When you put someone up on that pedestal they will eventually fail. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but they will fail in some way big or small. Its just the way of life. That doesn’t mean that person is a failure it just means that they are human. But when they do fail depending on the severity it can ruin the relationship all together, no matter what type of relationship it is. Because in your eyes they are no longer worthy or whatever.

Sometimes it is just better to mind your own business and stop dictating to others how or what they should be doing in their lives. Especially if you didnt do to well with your own life. I know for myself I dont mind getting advice but don’t you dare sit there and get pissed at me because I don’t take your advice or your advice didn’t work. That does happen you know. Not everything that works for you will work for others.

Its really funny to me how people can be generally bad people and have the audacity to belittle or bad mouth those who are actually doing quite well and are for the most part happy. I dont know I guess they are so miserable with their own lives they have to try and pick the good ones apart little by little until there is nothing left, or the hatred between the two is unmistakable.

So why do that to yourself or others? Why not just accept that things are the way they are. There is nothing wrong with trying to help people but don’t be ugly to them if they take their own route. Thats how we all learn!

Moving Forward

So I have struggled with what kind of career I want to have for a really long time. I really wanted to deal with animals especially equestrian science but thats 8 yrs of college and that just wont happen so; I had thought about cosmetology since im very good with makeup and what not but its just not what I want to do. Recently I looked into laser hair removal tech here in Texas and that is something I could definitely manage. But heres the catch, I mentioned it to my husband and he is not a fan of the idea. He really just doesnt want me to work period. Its sweet but yeah….our son starts pre-k in Sept and I really feel like I need to do more than just a house wife. Granted my house is always spotless and everyone is always taken care of but I’ve always worked since I was a kid.

When I mentioned it to him he asked me about men having the procedure done and I explained that yes men do it too of course but its rare. I figure it would mainly be on their backs and things like that. I think hes genuinely concerned about that private area. Kinda makes me laugh but I understand where hes coming from. So I flat out asked him if he just didnt want me to do it  and his answer made me feel so good. Hes not a lovey dovey kind of guy so…..He said “I want to keep you to myself, your mine”. Its kind of funny really since hes a total chick magnet, i’m the less attractive one of the two of us. He acts like I’m kind of replaceable I guess you could say. I know thats not his intention but thats the impression I get. I think theres some logic in his mind behind it, but it drives me nuts.

I guess I’m just worried about our future more than anything. He is sick and i’m afraid once he gets alittle older he wont be able to work and everything will fall on me, and I wont be prepared. Granted he gets his disability for life but that may not be enough. I’ll be 27 this year 😦 and for me I dont want to wait till i’m older to start a career. I honestly don’t know what to do or think. I am content with our situation as it is. But I’d like to buy myself something without feeling guilty, which is my own doing not his. Or be able to get him a surprise without it being bought technically with his money.

I don’t know , its a sticky one.

Double Standard

How many of us/you have been or are in a relationship where there was a double standard?

This is something that I feel very strongly about. I absolutely hate the double standard. To me if you do not want your significant other to do something like go to the bar, dancing, or anything else where the potential of get hit on is high then they shouldn’t think its ok for them to do it.

Some may think its just being controlling but its not. I guess what brought this topic on is my husband is going to a bachelor party this weekend and you know they will do the usual guy stuff, bar , strip club…. He can’t drink because of his meds so things like that aren’t very fun. Just sitting watching his friends get wasted. He was honest with me about their agenda which I really appreciate since hes extremely private and makes me alittle suspicious sometimes. He doesn’t mean to its just the way he is. I am extremely insecure but I rarely question him and never look through is phone or personal accounts.  Anyway so when he told me about the bar I asked if I could go to the bar with my friends when they go and he just gave me a little smerk and said no you can’t go without me. So yeah I hope that when this Sat. comes he will make the right call and respect my wishes like I do his. They have quite a few things planned other than that stuff so I know he will have fun and he definitely deserves it!

I dont know why this is a really big deal for me but it is. I guess in my eyes its a sign of disrespect and just flat out not caring. We may have a marriage thats kind of different but its what works for us. We dont nag at eachother but we do have an understanding and I guess in some ways it helps keep me on level ground. Don’t get me wrong I really do enjoy going out and having a good time but i would never want to put myself in a potential bad situation or ever make him need to question my loyalty.